| The pleasure we find in our intimate relationships stems largely from the bond we share with another. The degree of satisfaction we experience from those bonds is directly related to what psychologists term our "attachment style."
Attachment Bonding Meets Sexual Styles <=== Read Now
Psychologists identify three distinct attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Ideally, we'd all like to feel secure in our intimate relationships... but it just ain't so.
Research conducted at the University of Denver found that about 60% of us display a secure attachment style and find it easy to form and maintain strong bonds with another; 20% of us have an anxious attachment style that results in an insecure, clingy, even desperate relationship style; and 20% of us have an avoidant attachment style and tend to be distant in relationships and thus unable to form strong bonds.
John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, defines the conditions for secure attachment as "the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment." Said simply: close emotional bonds with the mother lead to strong emotional bonds in adulthood. Those who did not form a strong infant-mother bond may very well have difficulty in adult relationships, especially those that are sexual and romantic.
These difficulties show as maladaptive responses when we feel hurt, when a partner moves toward us or away from us, when we perceive a threat, or feel strong emotion.
In addition to impacting how we behave in a relationship, our attachment style influences the type of partner we choose. We've all seen the clingy man or woman who is irresistibly attracted, often over and over, to a partner who is distant or ambivalent about the relationship. We've all known men who crush on women who "just aren't into" them. Or women who gravitate to men who are too into them and become possessive, jealous, and needy.
As always, we can't do anything to change the past, but we can change the way we relate in the moment, look forward to stronger bonds and more fulfilling sex in the future.
The first step is to understand your strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. How do you react to your needs and how do you go about getting them met? Can you easily and confidently interact with your sweetheart? Or are you needy, always hungry for affection, unable to get the attention you want? Do you tend to be distant and aloof or have difficulty listening to your partner and meeting their needs?
In her book, "Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life," Dr. Emily Nagoski lists 17 different ways anxious or avoidant attachment styles impact a person's sex life.
(NOTE: You may recognize yourself or your lover in this list. Don't panic. Later in this article, I will talk about how to remedy these issues.)
IF YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE YOU MAY EXPERIENCE THE FOLLOWING:
• More negative emotions about sex
• Less frequent sexual desire
• Lower levels of arousal and orgasm
• Not as facile at giving and receiving pleasure
• They enjoy sex less
• Are less sexually self-confident
• Have anxiety-driven sexual experiences
• More likely to experience pain with sex and health risks
• Less likely to use condoms
• More likely to use alcohol or other drugs before sex
• Have higher STI's and unwanted pregnancies
• Are more likely to be involved on either side of a coercive sexual relationship
• Have sex later in life
• Have fewer non-coital behaviors
• More positive attitudes about sex outside committed relationships
• Have more one night stands
• Are more likely to have sex to fit into a social expectation, instead of just because they want to
Now for the good news: It's never too late to develop a secure attachment.
The bonding style you developed in infancy does not have to continue limiting your love life or diminishing your enjoyment of sex.
You can learn to form a secure bond with your lover and go on to have more positive feelings, more sexual well-being. Just knowing that your attachment style is "a thing," frees you to discover and experiment with new ways of getting your needs met.
I've watched any number of men and women uncover their habitual ways of defending themselves, avoiding emotional closeness, or clinging to their lover. I've seen the exhilaration they experience when they discover their capacity to love freely, become truly close to another, and grow in love for perhaps the first time in their lives. It takes dedication, yes. But it is possible to form what the psychologists call an "earned secure attachment."
One of the most promising ways people make this shift is by "making sense" of the way they form bonds by writing a coherent narrative. This process shows you how your early experiences still affect your love-style and sexual expression today.
When you write a coherent narrative, you begin to rewire your brain, to create new neural pathways that allow you to develop a sense of security both with yourself and with your lover. Bit by bit, you start to challenge the insecurities and fears that have been your "default program" and invent new ways of relating. This is the key that will lead to a loving relationship that nurtures you and makes you feel safe and secure.
As an added bonus: this transformation opens the door to a sex life that will excite and delight both you and your partner.
Your sexuality is part of your personal growth.
By being here reading this you are one of the rare creatures who is striving for improvement.
Keep Growing,
Susan
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Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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