| "We believe it does us good to torture ourselves, at least a little bit. We believe that if we stop beating ourselves up we'll become complacent, never be perfect, and thus be permanently inadequate!"
A woman friend told me not long ago: "To be honest, I'm not really even having sex. Mentally, I'm keeping track of how I look. My husband is incredibly sweet and attentive, but I'm all about sucking in my stomach and worrying about my jiggly thighs. I'm so self-consciousness that I've pretty much tanked our sex life."
It's just plain common sense: when a woman is "in her head" more than she's in her partner's arms due to body shame, her sex life will suffer. She will find it difficult to reach a single climax much less tap her natural potential for Expanded Orgasm.
Studies confirm the obvious: women who are comfortable in their bodies enjoy sex more, are more likely to initiate sex, more likely to experiment sexually, make love with the lights on, orgasm regularly - you get the picture.
In a Cosmo survey, 32% of women said they struggle to orgasm because of body issues. I suspect the percentage is even higher.
You don't have to be a research scientist to know the score: how a woman feels about her body has a powerful impact on her orgasmic capacity. If you're afraid to get on top because you don't have perfectly perky breasts... if you can't imagine doing it doggy-style because you hate your cellulite... you are going to have a helluva time letting your wild side - and your lover - take you over the edge into a cascade of bliss.
5 Ways To Erotically Empower Your Femininity <=== Video For You
SURRENDER TO BLISS
I'm Susan Bratton, and I have devoted my professional life to a new gold standard of female sexuality: multiple orgasms.
HOW TO GET OVER BODY ISSUES
So how do we get there? And what's in our way?
In her book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski highlights a causal factor of body shame: "Women have cultural permission to criticize ourselves."
Body shame is instilled in us by a culture that equates "sexy" with a body type that most of us would have to become professional dieters to maintain.
Dr. Emily asks: "What would happen if you put down the whip you've been flogging yourself with for decades?"
There are five keys to "getting over it" if you are blocked by fears about how you look naked. These are not mere suggestions, they are must-dos. Please take them to heart and, as you do so, open your heart to yourself.
Start seeing yourself from a man's point of view. Guys do not look at the specifics of a woman's body. Men love, love, love to see a woman naked. They are thrilled when they get to cup your breasts, and they go into an altered state if you allow them to lick and suck your nipples.
A woman who is genuinely happy to share her body with a man sends him over the moon. And a woman who trusts her man to have his way with her body fulfills his wildest dream... a dream most men secretly believe will never come true. If you don't believe me, ask any man-friend.
Which brings me to the next must-do or, in this case, a must not do.
Never, ever, ever talk to your lover about your insecurities. Bite your tongue the minute you start to share your fears or, heaven forbid, complain about your body. Men want to see their woman as a "prize." It makes him feel good to see you as beautiful. Why would you take that away from him?
You must be vigilant about your own thoughts. Ferret out every single bit of negative self-talk and deliberately shift your focus onto things that you love about your body, about your appearance, about being a woman: "I love how my hair looks... I love the color of my eyes... I really feel good when I wear boots... my legs are so strong..." the list goes on and on.
Focus, too, on sensations you enjoy, sensory experiences you have (or could) share with your lover: "I love how we cuddle... it's so nice when he massages my neck... I love it when he throws the covers off the bed on hot summer nights and lies naked beside me... I love winter nights when we cozy up under the covers... it feels so good when he puts his hand on my knee."
In other words, change the channel. Don't tune into a rap music station when you really want to listen to a Bach concerto.
Remember: what you focus on is what you experience.
It may take time to fully let go of your issues, so find workarounds that lessen their impact in the meantime. Turn down the lights and set the mood with a few candles. Wear lingerie that covers the parts of your body that make you feel self-conscious. You get the idea.
Let go of the whole idea of perfection. It never comes.
This is probably how you've been mind-fucking yourself.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION HERE. Are you guilty of this?
Most people think that they need to feel bad in order to muster up the motivation to change. We believe it does us good to torture ourselves, at least a little bit. We believe that if we stop beating ourselves up we'll become complacent, never be perfect, and thus be permanently inadequate!
Sounds rational, right? Well it's not.
Dr. Emily points out: when you stop beating yourself up - when you stop re-injuring yourself - what happens is... you start to heal.
Bottom line, you must set a new gold standard for yourself: my perfection lies in my ability to love my imperfections.
5 Ways To Erotically Empower Your Femininity <=== Video For You
"This was a great listen :) I have been working on my sexuality slowly but surely this year on my own and I hope that this improves the sexual relationship between my husband and myself – it is not bad, but I think for him sex is more of a release instead of a way of connecting.
Thank you for your encouragement, Susan! I liked your phrase "the small menu" you shared at the end."
Love Your Imperfections,
Susan
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Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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