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*** DATING QUESTION FROM A READER ***
Hi David, love your newsletters, always remind me the great points I read in your book...You recently wrote:
"If you buy a woman enough dinners, she may begin to feel some AFFECTION for you...but food and gifts will never lead to ATTRACTION. Big difference."
So what do we do after the first date of tea and stimulating conversation?
I figure that at some point, I would like to go to dinner with a new girl. Should I just let them pay for theirs?
I did that last time, since we were just becoming friends, I wasn't that into the woman and didn't want to look like I was trying to impress her (since I wasn't trying to impress her), and she also has her own business and I could tell she wasn't struggling.
Dinner has been my main date approach in the past, and I have become the Wuss in most cases!
I recently came up with a good line for a girl at the Farmers market who told me I should eat my greens...I told her she should come over and cook them for me!
She didn't know how to respond, but I think she liked it by her smile. I'm gonna hit her up next time to be serious about that request, I think she can probably cook up some nice greens to go along with my nice Ahi Tuna dish...
A.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
I want to share an interesting story about a conversation I had this evening.
I was talking with, of all people, my MOM about the topic of "men paying for things for women" and it was fascinating to me to hear her perspective.
Without hesitation, she said that she believes that men should pay for everything, and if they really like a woman that they should SUPPORT her as well.
Of course, I burst out with, "YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING!"
After we shared a laugh, she said, "No, I'm not kidding."
And she wasn't kidding, either.
My own mother believes that it's just part of being a "gentleman and good suitor" to pay for dinners, gifts, and even shelter for the woman he desires.
I immediately replied with {paraphrased}:
"This kind of sounds to me like you believe that men should pay women to give them attention, affection and sex."
At this point I think she remembered that I write books about this kind of thing and she gave up.
But the thing that really got my attention was that she REALLY BELIEVES THAT MEN SHOULD PAY FOR EVERYTHING.
IN FACT, SHE BELIEVES IT AT THE "WELL, OF COURSE! THAT'S JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO" LEVEL!
Heavy man, heavy.
No wonder I was such a loser before with women.
OK, I love my mom and mean no disrespect towards her...
But let's talk about the real world for a second.
Here are a few things that I believe about how things work in general when it comes to women and dating...
LISTEN UP, THESE ARE HUGE:
1) People in general, MALE OR FEMALE, intuitively know when they are being "pursued." As soon as we know that we have something that someone else wants, the price starts to go up. Economics 101.
2) When the price starts going up (translation: she realizes that you really like her and she starts playing hard to get, making you "prove" yourself, etc.) you start to LOSE CONTROL RAPIDLY.
3) When you lose control, you have a couple of basic ways you can respond: A) Pursue her harder, giving her even MORE control OR B) Giving up. (Neither of these options sounds very good to me.)
4) An alternative is to NEVER START GIVING UP CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
5) One way to do that is to stay away from things that put a woman into the "courting" mode of thinking and behavior.
6) Asking a woman to dinner and then buying is probably the absolute most certain way to put a woman in the state of mind that she is being "pursued" (with the possible exception of stalking her, which I strongly discourage).
By the way, I'm not opposed to the idea of buying dinner for a woman.
I'm opposed to the mindset that you put her into when you buy it.
Does this make sense to you?
If so... EXCELLENT.
In fact, if you "get" this point, here's how I want you to build on that knowledge right now:
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Once you know how to make this adjustment by doing just a few small things (like NOT taking a woman to dinner) I absolutely GUARANTEE IT:
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Once you do, you'll realize that your lack of success with women may really just be a "symptom" of a deeper problem... one that MANY men have.
In the meantime -- before I get into the SPECIFICS of what you need to do instead of buying a woman dinner -- let me share what I used to PERSONALLY think whenever I first met an attractive woman...
I always thought something like this:
"Well, she seems nice, but in my experience you never know what a person is like until you get to know them better. So what am I willing to do to find out?"
After some thought, it usually came down to... "I guess I'd be willing take the time to have a cup of tea with her to find out more."
Know why?
It was because the investment of going for a cup of tea is just about all the chance I'M GOING TO GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO PROVE TO ME THAT SHE'S MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE.
I never think, EVEN FOR A SECOND, that I need to buy her dinner so she'll sit and talk to me.
No way.
Incidentally, or not so incidentally, having an attitude that you need something other than yourself in order for a woman to like you is UNATTRACTIVE to women.
They can smell this kind of attitude and lack of self-worth.
Bad, bad, bad!
OK, so you get that I'm not real big on the idea of starting things off by paying for dinners and gifts.
"What should you do instead?"
I thought you'd never ask...
Well, first off, if you ABSOLUTELY CAN'T HELP YOURSELF and you just HAVE to take a woman to dinner, at least frame it as "I want to go out to this favorite restaurant of mine, and if you'd like to go you're welcome to join me."
Then if you decide to pay, it can be something you were doing for yourself, and you were being POLITE by paying for hers.
If you do this, make it clear that you're there because you want to go there, and that it's not to court her!
A much better idea is to be creative and avoid all of the things that scream "I'm willing to spend money to have your attention" (and therefore driving the price of that attention up).
Why not a walk in the park? Going to an art show? Going window shopping in an interesting part of town? Taking her with you to run errands? Taking her to a party that friends are throwing?
Here's a hint:
DO SOMETHING THAT HAS INTERESTING CONVERSATION AND EXCITEMENT BUILT IN.
Sitting at a dinner table ALONE with someone that YOU DON'T KNOW is hardly "interesting conversation built in". Think about it.
Take a moment right now and think of 10 things you could do with a woman that cost little or no money, but have all kinds of interesting conversation, adventure, and excitement BUILT RIGHT IN.
Then, just do some of those things!
This is great... you get to have fun, not look like a wuss, not put her in "courting" mode, and have interesting conversation built right in.
Added bonus:
You save $$.
Nice.
What I'm really trying to say here is don't set up the idea that you're paying for her attention.
And as for the gal who you met in the market..
I love the fact that you suggested she should come over and cook for you. Cocky and funny, very nice.
When she got that shocked look and couldn't respond you might have said, "Oh, I didn't mean to embarrass you...you can't cook, huh? Well, that's OK. It's nothing to be ashamed of..."
These are the best moments to turn up the heat!
After that, just simply move to the "It was nice talking to you but I have to get back to my shopping..." Then, just after turning away, say, "Hey!...Do you have email?"
"Yes."
"Great {pull out pen}. Give it to me."
Then follow up with this email:
"Hey, nice bumping into you at the market today. After carefully considering it, I've decided that I can live with the fact that you can't cook. I'll just have to adjust. I'm busy tomorrow, but maybe the next day we can get together for a cup of tea and I can teach you a thing or two about this cooking thing. It's really not that hard, and I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time..."
By the way, I have no problem with the idea of having a woman cook for you. Just remember that if she does YOU NEED TO PLAY HARD TO GET!
Wait a minute; you need to do that anyway...
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I'll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,
David D.
P.S. For better or worse, life-changing success with hot women isnt all about "lines" and "techniques."
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