Have you said something to a friend, partner or relative and they had a major reaction to your innocent words?
Maybe you wanted to offer a suggestion. Or talk about your finances. Or whose turn it is to watch the kids. But it triggered them?
A reaction like this happens when a person feels "emotionally flooded" or overwhelmed in the moment.
Flooding, according to my friend and couples therapist, Dr. Sarah Rattray, PhD, is when one person in a relationship feels overwhelmed with emotion and shock. This typically happens after receiving an unexpected comment, opinion, or suggestion from their partner.
Most of the time, we're at a balanced state. Not too negative. Not too positive.
But sometimes, when we hear something that catches us off guard, we don't handle the rush of emotions in an efficient manner.
Hence, the flooding of emotions.
This, more often than not, leads to arguments, bickering, and fights.
How do you prevent this from ever happening to your relationship while still leaving your communication open and safe to share feelings, opinions, and suggestions?
Dr. Sarah Rattray wrote a wonderful article all for me about how she suggests lovers "fix the flooding" in their relationships. Sarah is a Dr. John Gottman-trained therapist.
Here's her article below:
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"Margaret and Lorenzo were intimate one night, and Margaret realized, again, that she wanted him to hold her in a different way.
She waited until the next morning in the remaining glow of the night before, and made her request.
She expected that Lorenzo would welcome this information, but instead he replied "What, you don't like how I touch you? So I'm doing it all wrong?" and they suddenly they found themselves in the middle of a fight."
What happened?!
You want to talk with your partner in a way that will let you feel heard, they will fell understood, and together you feel closer.
The crucial information in this article, and four clear easy steps, help you not let conversations turn into fights. You will learn how to have calm communication instead of conflict.
Here's what happened: Lorenzo was surprised by Margaret's unexpected request, and in his body this surprise registered as a threat to his safety.
Humans and all animals are always on the alert in the deep part of their brains for signs of threats to their safety, and they are all wired to respond instantly to any imagined threat so that they can quickly protect themselves.
Between you and your partner, although there is usually no actual physical threat, your bodies have only one response to all threats – to turn on your emergency "Fight or Flight" response. That switch brings you out of your calm, peaceful "Rest and Digest" state.
"Fight or Flight" is the surge of hormones that floods through your body instantly to prepare you to fight or to run away, or sometimes to freeze. If you've ever almost been hit by a car in traffic, or ever seen the lights of a police car pulling you over, or been startled by a frightening animal, you know exactly how this feels.
One word for the feeling when the Fight or Flight response turns on is: Flooding, or feeling Flooded.
So here's the thing. You want to have a great, calm, connected conversation with your partner, and you don't want to fight.
In order to communicate calmly you have to use these four clear steps:
1. Learn to recognize when your unique "Flooded" feeling begins in your body as early as possible before a big fight develops.
2. Stop talking and take a break.
3. Calm Down and Relax during that break until you're no longer flooded, and then
4. Talk later when you're all the way relaxed again.
1. Learn to recognize your unique "Flooded" feelings
Sit quietly and think back to the last time you remember getting into a fight with your partner, or anyone else. How did your body feel?
• Which muscles felt tense?
• Did you feel hot or cold anywhere?
• Did you feel your heart beat faster or harder?
• Did you notice any feelings in your stomach, chest, throat, or face?
Continue taking note of your unique symptoms that you're Flooded as time goes on.
Anytime you start to feel like you're getting into a fight, or soon after you realize you were headed into a fight or got into a fight, take a few moments to note how your body felt.
Remember these feelings! They are your own personal early-warning signals that you're getting Flooded.
2. Stop talking and take a break
As soon as you recognize signals that you're getting Flooded, stop talking, excuse yourself, and take a break.
And I mean – right away! Don't try to fix, explain, repeat yourself or have the last word.
Just stop. Say: "Honey, I need to take a break."
If you're able to say more words, you could say "Honey, I feel myself getting flooded. I'm going to go take a break and calm down. I'll talk to you later."
3. Calm Down and Relax
I'm going to share with you a few relaxation ideas to help you calm down.
The key to calming down when you're flooded is to realize that your body has to calm down first, and then your mind will follow. You're not able to calm your mind all on its own… and you also have to step in and not let your mind dwell on the conversation that turned into a fight.
To focus on calming down your body, you can use your preferred method of deep relaxation if you have one, or try out one or more new relaxation ideas. Whichever you choose, tell yourself to take deep breaths, and say to yourself phrases such as "I'm calming down;" "I'm relaxing;" "I'm breathing slowly;" "I'm letting it go."
Here are some relaxation ideas for you to try:
• meditation
• deep breathing
• soothing yoga
• progressive muscle relaxation
• taking a hot bath or shower
4. Talk later when you're relaxed again
When you're all the way relaxed again – it usually it takes 15-20 minutes – check with your partner and see if they feel relaxed too. Ask if they're ready to talk again. If you're both not quite ready, set aside a time to talk when you both start feeling calm and relaxed.
Now that you have the tools to relax, here's what to do next time you realize you feel flooded:
• Stop talking (no really – STOP!)
• Excuse yourself
• Allow your body and mind to settle and calm. Remind yourself to breathe deeply, and let any thoughts of the fight drift away
• After about 20 minutes, you're ready to return to your partner and ask for a do-over!
Once Lorenzo learned what to do, the next time Margaret said something that he heard as a criticism, he was aware of his face feeling hot, he was clenching his jaw, and he wanted to give her a piece of his mind. He recognized these feelings from times in the past when he felt flooded right before they ended up having a fight.
Instead, he said:
"Hey sweetie, I just realized I'm flooded. I need to go calm down. I'll be back in a bit after I can get myself relaxed," and he left the room without getting into a fight.
Margaret realized she was flooded too, and she let her mind wander peacefully and her body relax.
Later, they tried again, and had a much better conversation, and it went on this way for both of them.
When your body has sensed danger and turned on the Fight or Flight response, calm communication just isn't possible anymore.
You've learned that you need to pay attention to your flooding signals, so that you can stop talking, take a break, relax and calm down, and then return to your partner when you're both ready for connected conversation.
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I absolutely LOVE Dr. Sarah's advice.
Next time you feel like you're getting "flooded" by an unexpected request, suggestion, or opinion, learn to STOP, calm down, and get back in a loving flow.
Things like these are little ways you can create the most amazing relationship ever.
Over the week, I also sent you some amazing articles to help you create the relationship and intimate life you've always wanted.
Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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