| Are you experiencing all the love you want?
Is your heart ALL IN for love?
There are as many reasons as there are individuals who hedge their bets when it comes to being "all in."
Could you be holding back your love? I am continually surprised at how many people who feel they've been betrayed can never open their hearts again to love. They stay closed and miss out on the best part of life because they can't work through the hurt.
Could you be avoiding feeling the love you are receiving? Sometimes, it's so scary to open your heart to love that you don't fully take it in. Your partner loves you completely, but you are unable to receive it.
My dear mentor, Dr. Deborah Anapol who has now left this life wrote an outstanding book called, The 7 Laws of Love. She explains that the heart is a door and a muscle:
The more you use your heart the better it works. Love is a practice.
It's easier to give love than to receive it and most people can actually feel more of the feelings of love by loving - so love as much as possible to experience more love in your life.
Don't wait to be loved - start loving and you will experience the benefits of love.
The door swings both ways - the deeper and more intensely you love, the more it hurts when the love is lost. But you get the experience of feeling those feelings on both sides and it is what makes life worth living. So don't be afraid to feel.
Why do many of us struggle with love?
FEEL THE LOVE
Many of us struggle with love in large measure because half of us were not securely "attachment parented." You end up with one of a set of core fears that keep sabotaging you. Another of my mentors, Dr. Susan Campbell explains how to recognize what core fear might be holding you back from a life of love.
Sometimes we don't have the model for what love looks like. We undermine our intimacy (consciously or unconsciously) when it comes to being "all in."
Could you love MORE?
Do you feel deeply loved?
No matter what the "reason," holding back has a big impact on every aspect of a relationship, sex included.
Sure, in the early stages of a relationship when you're essentially checking each other out, it's natural and healthy to take your time going "all in."
But if the "checking out" is laced with the judgment of the other person, the impact will be felt.
I didn't know it at the time, but radical honesty and radical acceptance played a big role in the rescue operation that saved my marriage.
See, I was brought up by a mother who repeatedly told me: "Never trust a man. Always stay in control of your finances so you can get away whenever you want to." Mom was trying to protect me. I don't blame my mother at all... She always acted in my best interest. However, that fear of not being able to trust, when I actually COULD trust my husband, reared its ugly head and almost bankrupted the love I should have had and could have had.
I absorbed her belief to not trust men, and did as she'd advised when I married Tim. What I didn't know then, but now understand, is that my core relationship value is actually antithetical to my mother's belief.
She'd chosen poorly. But I chose well. So holding back almost ruined my marriage.
Beneath the fearful conditioning, I really wanted my man to take care of me, which included managing the finances. Security, including financial security, is my #1 relationship value. I wouldn't be in a relationship if I couldn't have financial stability.
But having been spoon-fed feminist values, I couldn't admit - much less accept - my desire to have a man take care of me for many, many years into my marriage. Far from being "all in," I had one foot out the door for much of the time.
It's a bit paradoxical given that I recognized Tim's business savvy very early in our relationship. Here was a guy with fiscal muscle who handled money with competence and ease. And yet, I couldn't imagine merging our finances. "Get a joint checking account? Why in the world would I do that?" It took a long time for me to really examine this belief and even longer to accept that he enjoyed managing our finances... And I sucked at it.
We were eleven years into our marriage and in the midst of a 3-year rough patch when I said to him: "I'm not sure if I can stay with you. I want my husband to be financially successful so I can relax and know I'll be safe."
This added insult to an injury Tim was already suffering: our sex life was just plain dissatisfying. I'd become bored with sex and I couldn't have orgasms from intercourse back then. Even having an orgasm at all required a lot of effort. Every now and then I'd give him "mercy sex" which didn't help at all and made him feel even worse about the relationship, so he checked out emotionally. His motivation to take care of me was at an all-time low. Neither of us could see any way through this painful impasse.
We were at the brink of divorce when we both realized that breaking up our family was not an option. At that point, I said, "All right, I'm gonna have sex with you and try really hard to have orgasms." It took some doing, but in time I was able to bridge the Orgasm Gap and really start to enjoy making love. Tim began to emotionally re-attach to me. But I still had a lingering fear that he wasn't going to make enough money to keep me feeling secure.
I was 45 at the time and put him on notice, saying, "I'll let you know by the time I'm 49 if I can fully commit to our relationship, and it hinges on whether or not you're doing a good job taking care of me." His anger at my lack of intimacy had driven a wedge between us. I let him know that school was still out for me on the matter, saying, "I don't want you to think I'm completely committed to the marriage. I'm not."
I realize that is a truly shitty thing to say. But one of Tim's top four relationship values is honesty. He'd rather know I wasn't "all in" than be blindsided if I decided to leave our marriage.
By that time we had learned the power of understanding each other's relationship values. When you know what your partner needs most from a relationship with you, you can prioritize your actions to make them incredibly happy.
I would go on to write Relationship Magic - a workbook for discovering your own top four relationship values. This book has helped thousands of singles and couples become deliriously happy and satisfied with their relationships:
Discover Your Top 4 Relationship Values ⇐ Nearly 25,000 Copies Sold ($9.95 discount link for my fans only.)
PRINT OUT AT HOME
When I turned 49, it hit me: "Oh my god, did I really say that to him?" We'd just been through a financial disaster and were pulling up from the bottom after almost losing our house. We'd put ALL of our life savings into Personal Life Media. We literally couldn't make the next house payment and we were so afraid our house wouldn't sell. It did. Thank goodness. So like a lot of people, we had to downsize. We moved to a less expensive town and rented while we figured out how to make our business support us.
It truly amazed me when I realized that I'd come to totally trust Tim with our finances. We had to hit bottom together for me to appreciate that if anybody could pick up the pieces and put us on the solid financial ground, it was my darling husband with me 110% having our back. We'd finally become a team. Through thick and thin. Through all odds. Through near divorce. I was committed to him and had radically accepted our relationship for its ups and downs.
OUR WEDDING DAY in 1993
That's when I said, "He's my man; I'm all in. Whatever weaknesses he might have can be filled in with my strengths. We know what each other's foibles are, and I'm confident we can make this work if we stick together." I let go of expecting him to do it all and took responsibility for doing my share to make us successful as a couple.
I finally grew up!
After 25 years of marriage, I have relaxed into our relationship. I am going to stick by him no matter what. Once I radically accepted him and myself for what we brought to the table as a couple, everything got better, and better, and better.
As I hope you can see from my story of maturation, radical acceptance and radical honesty can work magic in a relationship. Like unconditional love, radical acceptance is a precious gift to give and receive.
You may be missing a ton of happiness and love just by not giving your partner your all.
Live Happily Ever After,
Susan
Susan Bratton, Intimacy Wellness Expert is a champion and advocate for all those who desire intimacy and passion their whole life long. Best-selling author and publisher of lovemaking techniques and bedroom communication skills including Sexual Soulmates, Relationship Magic, Revive Her Drive, The Steamy Sex Ed®️ Video Collection, Hormone Balancing, The Pump Guide and Thrust In Time as a small selection of her 34 books and program. You can find The Susan Bratton Show on YouTube at BetterLover.com, her more personal posts @susanbratton on Instagram, and her new sexual vitality supplements, Flow, Boost, Desire and Drive at The20.store.
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Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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