| It's one thing to "say" you'll never have a fight with a friend, family member or lover... it's another to actually have that be your reality.
Chances are, the models you've had (movies, your parents) didn't teach you safe communication unless you dated a psychotherapist schooled in models of compassionate communication.
So here are a few of the most powerful conscious communication tips collected by Carl Frankel, my friend and author of "Love and The More Perfect Union."
Carl says intentional communication protocols don't come naturally and we need to practice them. They are the difference between litigation and mediation. Litigation is win-lose. Mediation is a win-win.
Before you scroll down for Carl's safe communication concept, here is a shortlist of a few of my own relationship techniques that bond you more deeply:
Soulmate Secret Sauce ⇐ The REAL Secret To Deep Love, Pure Passion, And Total Dedication To Each Other (Game changer!)
Sexual Soulmates Pact ⇐ How Men And Women Can Co-Create An Authentic Sexual Soulmate Relationship That Knows No Bounds (free bedroom communication skill)
30 Romance Tricks That Work Like Magic ⇐ For "Emotionally Constipated" Men Who Forget To Give Their Woman The Romance She Needs To Feel Close To Him
Passion Patch ⇐ The One Place To Touch A Woman To Ignite Passion In 30 Seconds Flat
WORK ON IT
Here is Carl's collection of 11 conscious communication techniques he's collected from masters of connection:
1. Empathic listening. Shut up and walk a mile in their shoes.
2. Mirroring your partner's words until they feel genuinely heard. Do you understand what they are saying? Repeat it back and see.
3. Identifying the meanings you attribute to your partner's behavior as stories you're telling yourself, not the objective truth about what's going on. When we get into, "This is what happened," "No, this is what happened!" arguments, we're litigating rather than mediating. Instead, leave the truth space open for everyone's perspective.
4. Non-violent communication. NVC is a category of communication created by Marshall Rosenberg which includes no attacking, no criticizing, no counter-complaining, and no non-dealing by responding to your partner's story with a parallel story of your own ("That reminds me of when...")
5. Staying relational. Couples' therapist Terry Real's term by which he means staying in a respectful relationship with your partner, even though your triggered self may want to shut them out or put them down. (Terry was an expert on my Sexual Vitality Summit where we discussed the 4 Obstacles to Emotional Intimacy.)
6. The story I told myself. When Joe came home with the proverbial lipstick on his collar, the only truth his partner Mary can know is that she feels agitated and upset. "When I saw the lipstick on your collar, the story I told myself was that you'd been fooling around with Denise." This is a much more fair approach than, "You've been cheating on me!" Using "the story I told myself..." acknowledges the fear you feel from the conclusions you've drawn. It gives your partner a chance to see what is upsetting you without being attacked.
7. Undermine negative programs through proactive positivism. Proactively activating kinder, gentler ways of communicating points you in the direction of being appreciative and grateful. Let's say your partner blurts out something irritable because the house is messier than she'd like. One option would be to counter, "Feeling bitchy, are we?" A better choice would be, "I really appreciate you for how much you value having a clean house."
8. Reframe negative judgments positively. Try this simple exercise. The person formerly known as a coward becomes someone with "a strong instinct for self-preservation." Your liar becomes someone with "a gift for narrative flexibility." A judgemental bitch becomes a person with "powerful critical faculty." Sure, you can laugh about this, but the overarching point is, "accentuate the positive." The more you appreciate your partner, the more your relationship appreciates and becomes valuable.
9. Request a Do-Over. If your partner triggers you, request a do-over.
AVON: Where are the light bulbs?
BRETT: The same place they were when you asked me yesterday.
AVON: Ouch! May I have a do-over please?
BRETT: Sure. They are in the hall closet. And by the way, you asked me that same question yesterday.
AVON: Thank you.
10. The Dead-Stop and the Time-Out. The dead-stop is an agreement between the partners that if one of them called for a dead-stop the other would cease their behavior immediately whether or not they believe the person's request is merited. The dead-stop is a request by the other partner to stop. The time-out is called by the person who needs to walk away.
11. Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT is often called, "Tapping." It's a way to shift physical energy to calm anxiety and get a handle on the flight or fight response.
Carl has designed Six Principles for a harmonious relationship that keeps getting better; a life where fun is interspersed with episodes of profound, ecstatic connection.
If you like these conscious communication skills, you'll appreciate Carl's visual map to finding a balance between autonomy, connection and equity in your love relationships.
Knowing how to fight fairly, or even how NOT to fight at all, goes a long way toward relationship bliss.
FOLLOW YOUR BLISS
If these ideas whet your appetite for more connection, grab any and all of these guides from my heart to yours:
Free For My Fans
Sexual Soulmate Pact ⇐ How Men And Women Can Co-Create An Authentic Sexual Soulmate Relationship That Knows No Bounds (free bedroom communication skill)
30 Romance Tricks That Work Like Magic ⇐ For "Emotionally Constipated" Men Who Forget To Give Their Woman The Romance She Needs To Feel Close To Him
Discounted For My Fans
Passion Patch ⇐ The One Place To Touch A Woman To Ignite Passion In 30 Seconds Flat
Soulmate Secret Sauce ⇐ The REAL Secret To Deep Love, Pure Passion, And Total Dedication To Each Other (Game changer!)
Life is a work in progress. Keep going, sweetie! You'll get better and better at creating the joy and connection you desire and deserve.
In Deep Appreciation,
Susan
Susan Bratton, "Trusted Hot Sex Advisor To Millions" of lovers who crave lifelong intimacy and passion. As the Dear Abby of Sex, she has helped create and revive countless sex lives with her bestselling books and programs such as Relationship Magic, Sexual Soulmates, The Passion Patch, Revive Her Drive and her Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection.
For more insider tips, follow her on Instagram and subscribe to her Better Lover YouTube channel.
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Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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