A few weeks ago I sent out a note saying I was going to give away a free copy of my friend Xanet Pailet's book, Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure.
I shared the 34 responses (while protecting your privacy) with Xanet and asked her to pick the winner.
Here's what she said in her response:
"Hi, I'm Xanet Pailet. I'm the author of "Living an Orgasmic Life," and I was so blown away by the amazing responses (over 33!) to Susan's very generous Book Give-A-Way. The responses were so heartfelt and compelling that we decided that we will give away two books; one to a woman and one to a man.
The winners are Dennis and Sharon and Susan bought them both a copy of my book. We are using first names only to protect confidentiality but you know who you are!
So many of you raised great questions and issues that are impacting your sex life that I thought it would be useful to address some of the topics and provide you some tips and exercises that will be useful.
Issue #1: Shame Holds You Back from Pleasure
"Shame due to sex-taboos during upbringing... masturbation was never something I felt comfortable with." - LK
Whether it's an inability to have an orgasm or feeling like your sex life is falling apart, one of the most common culprits is shame, which I call "The Nastiest Five Letter Word in the Universe" in Chapter 4, the Shame chapter of the book. Shame is so insidious, that we can't even talk about it. But the way to help you rid its hold on your sex life is to understand where it comes from and normalize it.
On page 39 I talk about shame and your sexual blueprint and there's a great sexual blueprint exercise to help you understand how the messages you received about sex as a child and early childhood and teenage sexual experiences impact your beliefs about sex as an adult. It's important to understand that you were born shame free. Discomfort and shame came from adults who started imposing their own views and shame upon you. You might also have had a negative experience, like being caught masturbating or playing doctor, like I did, and that causes you to associate pleasure or touching yourself or others with shame.
Many women and men also experience body shame. Several people mentioned that in their responses. Penises that were "not big enough," "changed body after giving birth." Guys I included some great information, and a chart, on what the "average erect penis size is," on page 55 of the book, and also some client stories about cock and pussy shame and information on how to get over it.
Issue #2: Never Have Had an Orgasm
This was one of the most common responses from women and are one of the main reason women reach out to me. Not being able to orgasm makes women feel like they are broken and causes a lot of shame.
"I am a 42 year old female who is successful in all aspects of life except relationships and the bedroom. I have never climaxed and am desperate to find help... I feel embarrassed and frustrated that I can't enjoy sex." - N.L.
"On September 19th I will be 40 years old and I have never known what it is like to have an orgasm." - M
The first step for women who can't experience orgasms is to work through shame issues that are holding them back from pleasure as I talked about above. There's a powerful client story on page 46 of the book.
Most of the time women have challenges with orgasms because they are in their head, thinking about wanting to have that orgasm, and not actually in their body experiencing sensation. Read Chapter 13 of the book, "Realizing Your Pleasure Potential" where I provide a lot of information for women on how to experience an orgasm. Relaxation is key because orgasms happen at the intersection of high arousal and high relaxation. One of the best ways to find that relaxation is to use your breath. On Page 144 and 145 I talk about the power of breath to move sexual energy around your body and provide a series of exercises to help unblock sexual energy centers.
Issue #3: Masturbation Challenges
This was mentioned several times and I truly believe that women are responsible for understanding their own arousal patterns. That means you need to know what you like and don't like, how you want to be touched and when, and what brings you to the highest level of arousal. It's quite challenging to know this unless you've explored your own body and I strongly recommend that every woman have a "Self-loving Practice," which I describe in detail on pages 203-204. Also, being your own lover, especially if you don't have one at the moment, is a wonderful gift to give yourself.
Issue #4: Being a Better Lover
So many men wrote in that they want to be a better lover and really be able to please their partner, regardless of their age. I heard this from 20 year-olds and 77 year-olds. To all of you I say "Go for It." The men who have read my book, and there have been many, have been blown away by how much they learned about women's sexuality (as well as their own).
Back to you, Suz."
To the winners, congratulations! Enjoy Xanet's book, "Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure."
It is but one of the many wonderful resources out in the world that gives you authentic advice on improving your intimate life.
Just like the articles I sent you over the week. Grab your favorite drink, sit down, relax, and take some time to read these.
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