| 5 Stronger Relationship Techniques
In "The All-or-Nothing Marriage," author Eli Finkel recommends 5 research-based mechanisms for strengthening your relationship. These relationship science-based concepts work in conjunction with the three ways to counteract weaknesses I covered in part one.
Click here for: Countering Weaknesses in Relationship (Part 1 of 2)
1. DESTINY VS. GROWTH MINDSETS
The first technique explains two mindsets: Destiny versus Growth. People who have a destiny mindset believe their marriage was, "meant to be." They tend to be less forgiving of transgressions in the marriage. They are quick to give up. And they bring a pessimistic mindset.
If their partner had an affair, for example. They'd kick them out and divorce them.
You can see these alternate mindsets at play here in some Facebook replies about what to do if you find out your partner cheated on you: (Let me make this VERY CLEAR that these are not my beliefs. These are what other people say on Facebook as examples of the two kinds of mindsets.)
Destiny Mindset
"Tell them that you hired a Private Investigator months ago and you know evvvvvverything - then let them confess it ALL - then tell them the truth that you didn't....and screw her best friend ahahhaha"
"Relationships have to be built on a foundation of trust. With a betrayal on this deep a level, the trust is gone. There is no path forward."
""The one," wouldn't cheat."
"Kick them to the curb. Cheating is a deal breaker, "the one" or not."
"You move on! True life the grass can be greener on the other side."
"It's obviously not the love of your life if they are willing to do that. Sorry or not."
Growth Mindset
"It would hurt, but it would never cost the relationship."
"Trust him, get into individual and couples counseling. Start reading "his needs her needs" together because there was an emotional need he had that you weren't meeting that lead to an affair. A relationship can be salvaged if both parties are willing."
"We are animals. It's not the end of the world. If they still want to work it out and are truly sorry, forgive them, work things out, and continue on. Time heals wounds."
"That's a tough one. No relationship is perfect. Not one. You have to ask yourself how you would want to be treated in the same situation. Do you believe in forgiveness? Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? If he's the "love of your life" can you sacrifice your ego in that moment and let him prove that he can change? Betrayal is among the worst emotions to experience, but love and forgiveness is among the most profound. Let love win. It is through forgiveness that we rise above, and perhaps in the aftermath of this crisis your love will become stronger than ever. We all make mistakes, some more grave than others. But love conquers all. Always. ♥️"
"Know that the infidelity is not about your own self worth. Your partner didn't do it to hurt you. It's about what is happening to them. Just listen to the whole story. Bring intense amount of compassion for them and for yourself. Work through it together. Forgive them."
ALL-IN TOGETHER
When someone believes in Growth they, "focus on becoming stronger by overcoming obstacles together."
The Growth mindset invests in growing together, resolving issues and incompatibilities.
That is the first of five ways to strengthen one's relationship - believing that your relationship requires resolving issues, not walking away.
2. BIG PICTURE MEANING
The second strength technique is to link your partner's behaviors to positive aspects of your relationship.
When you talk about your partner to others, or you think about your partner, focus on their positives aspects and how that impacts your relationship.
See the best in your partner's actions and tie them to what is good about your partnership. Do this verbally, so that you continuously underscore the benefits of your coupledom.
3. GRATITUDE ATTITUDE
When you focus your attention on your partner's investments and acknowledge them verbally, you both win. You get the positive lens of your partner's contributions. And your partner feels seen in their efforts to make your relationship great.
Look for opportunities to express your appreciation of the impact of your partner's actions on your relationship and it will strengthen your togetherness in a virtuous cycle.
When I was on TV recently, I explained that the one thing a married woman could do was to notice when her husband did a good thing and give him both affection and appreciation for his contribution. I call this, "Win with Affection."
4. AFFECTIONATELY TOUCHING
Even if you have to go out of your way to touch your partner, do it. According to Eli Finkel, the author of these techniques, "a partner's touch is beneficial even if we know that it isn't a spontaneous expression of affection."
If you read my "Lover's Summit" article about Mike and Rose, you'll remember that Rose's weekly focus item was touching Mike with affection.
When you read as much as I do on relationships, you see these themes come up over and over. Touching your partner is of utmost importance. So even if you have to remind yourself to do it, it is one of the "mechanisms" of a strong marriage.
And when you touch your partner, you generate Oxytocin. See my video:
Oxytocin for Hot Sex ⇐ Watch Here
And my article formulas for Oxytocin prescriptions. You can increase your bonding by using a nasal spray before sex. Women can also administer Oxytocin vaginally to increase lubrication. And all genders benefit from Oxytocin for achieving climax.
5. CELEBRATING TOGETHER
Be enthusiastic. Delight in good news together. Take time to appreciate the wins you achieve together.
When I was on that same TV segment, I recommended that men focus on encouraging their woman to achieve her goals. Understand what she's trying to accomplish and stay involved in and cheer her on for her progress. This engagement and positive encouragement helps you feel greater love.
RECAP
I don't know which of these you'll incorporate into your relationship. But here is a cheat sheet so you can remember them:
• Growth Mindset
• Link Positive Actions of Your Partner To Your Relationship Overall
• Gratitude
• Affectionate Touch
• Enthusiastic Celebrations
Let me know which ones have the best effect on your life.
Toward Stronger Marriages,
Susan
Click here for: Countering Weaknesses in Relationship (Part 1 of 2)
Click Here for: The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How The Best Marriages Work
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Susan Bratton
Dr. Patti Taylor
Sloane Fox
Tallulah Sulis
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